Home Beckons

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“What’s wrong?” I asked my mother when she told me that Lanny was coming home to stay. “I’m not sure,” she said. “They found him walking down the middle of the street in the cold with no shoes on.”

As I wrote in another post, my brother Lanny struggled with schizophrenia (see Saying Good-bye). His official diagnosis came in the mid-1970s, but putting a label on his state of mind didn’t help us to understand him or his illness. In those days, local libraries and bookstores carried little on the topic of mental illness, and most mental health professionals offered little or no information to the families. Forget finding support in the community; mental illness was locked in the closet with cancer – two illnesses kept within the privacy of home. It took people like Lance Armstrong and Susan Komen’s sister to break down the closet door for cancer; the door is still partially shut on mental illness.

Too often, caregivers to a loved one with mental illness feel isolated from their neighbors, friends, and even from their own family members who don’t understand the illness or who disagree on how to respond to the illness. Negative emotions abound: confusion, disbelief, fear, anger, frustration, embarrassment, sadness, despair, resignation, guilt, grief, regret, resentment, hopelessness… I don’t understand what his problem is. I can’t believe it happened to my daughter. What if he hurts himself? Why doesn’t he just get on with his life? What else can I do? I wish he wouldn’t act that way. I wish she could have a normal life. What will happen to him if something happens to me? I can’t do this any more. I should have done more for her. I shouldn’t have said that. My life is passing me by. He’s never going to get any better. Why her, why me?

Fortunately today, the Internet provides volumes of medical articles, scientific data and coping techniques to help families understand and interact with a loved one with major depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or anxiety disorders. Support groups now also offer opportunities to discuss common concerns such as financial aid, housing possibilities, medication, treatment options, personal stories, and a sense of community. Despite these positive changes, the stigma of mental illness remains strong, and the road that family members travel is long and lonely.

Many people, so consumed by day-to-day care giving, find little time or energy to explore new information in books or on the Internet, to attend support group meetings, or to seek out other help. Do you know someone with a mentally ill loved one? If so, put aside your sense of uneasiness and discomfort, which is common, and do something positive! Read up on the illness. Ask them how their loved one is doing. Ask if they’d be interested in information you can gather about the illness. Offer to go to a support group meeting with them. Or, just lend a sympathetic ear to someone who doesn’t often find a willing listener.

You don’t need to become a mental illness expert to ease someone’s load. I’ve found over the years that people crave information and understanding. If you can offer either, you’ll help someone shift to a more positive outlook. You’ll be rewarded for your efforts…Now I understand why he acts that way. Wow, I didn’t know that organization could offer us help. It’s nice just to have someone to talk with about this; most people pretend there’s no problem. Maybe new drugs or treatment will be helpful. It’s good to hear that I’m not the only person who gets angry with this. Thanks for listening to my troubles; it makes me feel better.

As I wrote in the tribute for my brother: Very often, the little things that we do for others, out of love and compassion, not duty, are the very things that lighten our own spirits and refocus our lives. Let’s open that closet door on mental illness a little bit wider each day.